New City Motto : What, Me Worry?

(Click on City Seal to see enlarged size)

Fall River Votes New KING

 and New City Motto

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By S.O. Facile

Herald News Staff

Nov, 5, 2015

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After a long and hard fought campaign, the forces of sloth, illiteracy and ignominious defeat overcame a late rally by newcomer Ivana Gamble and elected to change the City Charter and elevate long time Fall Riverite Alfred E. Neuman to the post of the City's first King.

After holding court at his post election victory rally at City Councilor Leo Pelletier's locally famous basement kitchen area, King Alfred announced that as his first official act he was changing the official City Seal to include the new city motto, "What, Me Worry?" in order to inspire his "subjects" to roll with the punches and just accept their fate, which he claimed during the election was his greatest managerial talent.

"Let's face it" said the King, "We're not good at very much! The state gives us almost 80% of our entire budget, our unemployment rate is still 14.5% even though the state's has sunk to 3.8% due to the new economic boom, almost 60% of our kids haven't graduated with their high school class or at all, and we now have the highest rates of murder, drug addiciton and gang activity in the entire state, and #2 in New England. We just can't suck enough!" At that point the crowd of largely political hack relatives who worked on the campaign roared with approval, breaking into the well known campaign slogan "Loser, Loser, Loser, Loser!".

His Majesty Alfred E Neuman

King Neuman was a surprise candidate when ex-Mayor Will Flanagan moved on to a  tenured teaching position at the new Bristol Community College Law School after the obligatory disasterous three terms as the City's Mayor. The upswell in support of the newcomer Neuman came when he beat senseless a well known man who had acosted him with a beer mug at Club Flaunt (pronounced "fluan-eh") , a man who deleriously claimed over and over that he made the City the best on the planet and that one day he would be the owner of a semi-pro basketball team. The person in question had just been let go by a local radio station for a station record 12th time , a station that could be heard as far north as Westport and as far south as the Swansea Motel, his oft time residence.

Riding that wave of dubious accomoplishment into the primary and being seen as a common sense and desireable candidate by the mass of Fall River voters, Alfred E. Neuman easily finished first and headed into the final election against the Casino backed candidate, Ivana Gamble.

Ivana Gamble

Fall River voters came to love the common sense approach to issues that were spoken with a dull, but stupid syntax, and opened up the City to the "can't argue with that" simple honesty in what he had to say. He thrilled enthusiastic crowds with comments like:

"In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!"

"Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgement!"


"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"


"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"

"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"


"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"

"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"


"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!"

Over time the voters of Fall River came to rely on this less hectic view of the world and started to live according to the example shown by the soon-to-be King Neuman.
"Why worry about things you don't want to control", he would say. "If I wanted to make things better, I'd do something, but that takes time and effort, so why worry, the state's gonna pay for us anyways, like it already does. Why expect more than we deserve, right?"

 It was at moments like that he would then say "You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!" Who in Fall River wanted to argue with flawless
logic like that, logic that spoke loudly to the lowest common denominator of voters in Fall River?  When asked if that was part of his campaign strategy he answered, "I've always stated that we want to appeal to the lowest person possible. In Fall River, it was easy to do because there were so many of them! What, Me Worry?"

Ivana Gamble nearly came from behind to capture the crown. She was fronting for the Gaming Industry to open a new mega casino and resort complex all along the Fall River Waterfront area. She cited a gaurentee of union waged jobs for every man, woman and teenager in the City regardless of level of education,  court record or ability to speak english. This would be assurred by a contract between the City and International Gaming Giant "BUCKS R US", with the first years salaries to be paid upfront!

Alfred E. Neuman's response was as you would expect. "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, it might bite your nose off". A majority of voters reacted to this simple statement by giving back to Gamble's campaign workers the crisp $100 bills they had received to vote in support of Gamble. Neuman convinced Fall River voters that the no effort way was the way to go, you could accept the state's money, make the same mistakes you had made before, not be involved in any activity what-so-ever, "so why go to work and ruin a perfectly acceptable way of life?"

In the final weeks of the campaign King Neuman's speeches were electrically bland, the way they were when he was at his simple best. Some of the real crowd pleasers towards the end were:

"How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?"

"It takes one to know one -- and vice versa!"


"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"


"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"


"A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!"

"How  come we choose from just two people for President, and fifty for Miss America?"


"Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!"

"Blood is thicker than water... but it makes lousy lemonade!"

"What, Me Worry?" Campaign poster

From such simple, sleepy,  yet stupid sentiment did this unassumming McDonald's french fry bag filler win the hearts and minds of the voters of Fall River, the downtrodden and clueless thousands he knew he could relate to.

And so it was, this day, a King was elected.

(Editor's Note: During the preparation of this news article much "'research" was completed)