ALL THE KINGS HORSES(ASSES) AND ALL THE KINGS MEN (AND HACKS) WOULD LIKE TO RETHINK THE LAYOFFS AGAIN

WHAT PRICE $700,000 IN UNEMPLOYMENT COSTS DUE TO THE STIMULUS? AMAZING! AND THIS ONE BELONGS TO MAYOR CORREIA .

THERE WAS A GREAT LUMPTY

WHO SAT ON THE WALL,

HE WAS THE BIG EGG

DOWN AT OLDE CITY HALL

ONE DAY HE DECLARED

TO LAY OFF HIS MEN

THEN RAN OFF TO HIDE

UNDER HIS MOMMY HEN

UNTIL THE SMART VOTERS

OF THAT CITY FINE

DECIDED TO VOTE OUT

THAT EGG'S BIG BEHIND

HIS NAME WAS A HUMPTY

AND DUMPTY AS WELL

AND ALL THE GREAT VOTERS

TOLD HIM GO TO H@LL

HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON A WALL

HUMPTY DUMPTY HAD A GREAT FALL

AND ALL THE KINGS HORSES

AND ALL THE KINGS MEN

WOULD LIKE TO RETHINK

THE LAYOFFS AGAIN.

Remember this little ditty before you vote for City Council and School Committee, and what his people on both committee's did these last two years!!

The Secret Life of GATOR

Alligator found near Harbour Mall

(source: Fall River Herald News (10/24/09) )

Headlines grabbed from the pages of the Fall River Herald News (HN), and we're here to bring you the story BEHIND the story, as we dig deep into this sordid tale (tail?) of blatant opportunism, stow aways, interstate transportation of underage alligators with the intent of pornographic exploitation and the mass murder of innocent rodents throughout Fall River. It will also be a story of hope and renewal as the Gator in the center of this slimy swamp of human excess rises above youthful indiscretions and becomes a candidate for office back home in sunny Florida.

It Begins:

On a warm July day in 2004, a young alligator was born to a single alligator mother in the back swamps of Gainsville, Florida.Within days, this young alligator escaped death by inches, as a hawk swooped down to grab it for a quick breakfast only to loose control of it's screeching prey over the backyard of a woman who was a touring professional stripper, a headliner at Gentleman's Clubs all over the United States, resting at her home in Florida on a short break from the bumps of her grinding profession. The young and dazed alligator landed in a bag containing clothes pins, bumping it's head against one of the wooden tools, putting it into a state of unconsciousness for a full 24 hours.

When it awoke a day later, it found itself in an old , round fishbowl, on a bed of gravel and rocks, near a plastic palm tree, and very smelly water. There were several large fingerprints on the outer wall of the fishbowl, and the sunlight was broken up by the smudges, lending it's new jail cell an aire of desperation and grime and Dorito's. It sure didn't help the pounding headache it had, that's for sure.

Lola, the stripper, tried to feed and care for the young patient as best she could, changing the water twice a day and feeding her young charge meal worms, which to the young alligator, tasted every bit the hospital food it was meant to be. She named the friendly little alligator "Gator" and came up with the name the same way she came up with her stage name of Lola....she was stupid. Unfortunate but true.

Stupid Lola placed the fishbowl containing Gator near the studio she had built in her dining room as she practiced her moves on the stripper pole to get ready for her return to the circuit. At one point she placed Gator on her shoulder while stretching, and Gator would try to open his jaws as wide as possible as it wanted to bite her thumb. Lola laughed, and said to Gator "You just gave me an idea for a move on the pole!" Lola then created her famous "Gator" routine, where she would dangle on the pole upside down and spread her legs like Gator opened his jaws, wide open and apart, then quickly close them together as fast as possible, again, like Gator, then repeat this several times. That was the birth of the most famous stripper pole move used today. (see photo above)
Once her new routine was ready, Lola decided to head north to start her new season of touring. She needed to catch the bus. And she needed to find a way to take Gator, the new star of the show!

The Trip North:
Lola decided to head north in September of 2004. She bought a ticket on the first greyhound bus she could find headed to Providence, RI, where she was to headline at the World Famous Foxy Lady. The ad picture of her which ran in the local version of the Phoenix Paper clearly displayed an 8 inch alligator tied around her neck and attached to her spiked collar via means of a matching tiny spiked collar and connecting pink ribbon. It was verified by police during the original alligator sighting investigation to be Gator. The photo was troubling in the respect that Gator appeared to be smiling the whole time. Investigating officers said this image haunts them to this day.
Upon arrival in Providence, young Gator was a hit. Lola garnered rave reviews with her "Gator" move, and it became a surreal scene with guys lined up with $10 and $20 bills used to stuff Lola's g-string and having her SLAM her legs down on the guys hand to collect the cash. But as the days wore on Gator was having trouble adjusting. The ride north had been difficult, having to ride in Lola's large and crowded makeup case, and Gator nearly suffocated from the fumes of cherry flavored red lipstick Lola used during her stage performances. Gator vowed to never stow away on a bus again! In addition, Lola was paid for posing with Gator and male patrons for keepsake photo's at $25 a pop! Gator received none of this money either, and this was particularly rankling because Gator oft times had to endure unwanted involvement in various pornographic poses for pictures male patrons wanted taken between Lola and Gator. The absolute worst was being stroked, touched, and manhandled by drunken male patrons while Lola danced and posed. Later, a panel of experts would write a scathing report to the court on Gator's behalf , citing countless episodes of sexual abuse at the hands of scores of unknown male patrons and Lola, the one time friend and employer turned pimp. (Lola photo, middle-top)

Escape & Capture:

Lola decided to attend a meeting with one Larry Gund, a disreputable owner of strip joints with the alarming and striking appearance to that of the sociopath character "Wayne Groll" from the crime movie "HEAT" Mr. Gund wished to convince Ms. Lola to permanently headline a new Strip Club he planned to build in the City of Fall River, MA. She was told she had to bring Gator, that Gator was part of the package.

Without saying a word, Lola approached Gator carrying a miniature baseball bat, and with one quick strike on the noggin, Gator was knocked out. Lola once again put Gator in her makeup case and headed to Fall River in the Limo sent by Gund to bring her to a meeting at the basement of one of Fall River's more infamous City Councillors, known affectionately by the nickname "Yokel". However, things did not go as planned. Gator woke up coughing from the fumes of red lipstick, and, now longer and much stronger, used his jaws to bite through the cheap vinyl makeup case and breath free. Gator then searched around for the switch installed in the trunk of vehicles to open the trunk from the inside. The wind of the night roared by as Gator closed it's eyes and jumped. Luckily the Limo was rounding a turn and the force made Gator land in the tall, soft grasses of the uncut highway median strip. There being little traffic, gator waited until it could no longer see the Limo's tail lights, then crawled as far as it could, quietly, instinctively, until it found refuge in a swampy area next to the highway, and within viewing distance of numerous glowing, multi-colored lights. Gator could now breath easy for the first time in over 6 months. No more pawing or groping, no dangling by it's neck next to Lola's nekkid who-hah for porno pics. Just relative peace and quiet, at least for one night.
As the days went by, and Gator's hunger grew, it was determined to fend for itself. It quickly found a culvert leading to the Fall River sewer system. In that sewer, Gator found rodents galore to finish off and eat. Gator started to enjoy the hunt, and soon was torturing prey before dispatching it with a whip of it's tail, just to get pleasure from watching it writhe in agony before dying. This became the fate of literally hundreds of Fall River rodents whose deaths the FRPD could directly tie to Gator after it's arrest. It may, in fact, have been thousands. Gator had become a vicious serial killer, with experts saying the sexual exploitation at the hands of Lola and drunken male patrons at such a young age was the most likely cause. Gator was full of rage and it wanted the world to feel it, one chewed off limb at a time!

Then Gator made a mistake. One night it was crawling near the highway, still in the grass, when a passing vehicle full of rowdy teens threw half eaten McDonalds hamburgers out of their windows all over the highway. The smell of meat was too much to ignore. While on a beef eating rampage, the fast food combination of poorly cooked and poor quality meats, sugary ketchup and caramelized/toasted white buns was enough to make Gator a fast food addict. Soon Gator craved the cheap high derived from his now favorite fare. What has never been detailed by the FRPD prior to this article is the picture of Gator pounding on the door of a terrorized family close to the Harbor Mall. The occupants had just been to McDonalds and Gator tracked them down. It was the first, and as far as we know, only case of attempted home invasion by an alligator in the continental United States! Gator was easily apprehended, broke down in tears, and was lead away in cuffs without a hint of struggle. The long hard run was over. The stories of highway sightings were floated by the FRPD to trap any other possible conspirators that Gator might have had in the rat mass murders.

Epilogue:

A police lineup was held. Because of the shortage of alligators that could both walk on their hind legs and speak English, members of the FRPD dressed as alligators in various ways (see photos above)and repeated the phrase "Gimme that Big Mac, Jack!" until the teenage family members from the home Gator tried to invade picked Gator easily from the lineup. You see, gator spoke perfect English, not the Fall River version of English, so it stood out from the others. It was impossible to find anyone in Fall River who did not speak without that accent. This fact, as well as the reports filed with the court, lead to a Judge to declare a mistrial with prejudice because of the illegal lineup. Gator was free to go, but where?

First stop was in-patient for six months at SSTAR in Fall River to receive treatment for a myriad of psych issues related to sex abuse and addiction.

Then came a scholarship back home at the University of Florida at Gainsville. Because of the help it had received at SSTAR, Gator dealt with life on life's terms upon finding the skin of his now dead mother on the floor of the fraternity he was pledging. After deciding to reject offers from other fraternities, and upon receipt of a hefty legal settlement for the pain and anguish caused by the sight of his mother laying on the floor of the living room at TKE covered with empty Budweiser beer cans and crunched up Dorito's, Gator could be seen as an up and coming BMOC driving around campus behind the wheel of his fully restored and tricked out Chrysler Cordova, the one with the "Fine Corinthian Leather". Just as long as it wasn't a relative he was sitting on, Gator was fine.

Gator decided to become a doctor. Once accepted to medical school, Gator decided to give back by working as an EMT both to earn spending cash and help those he was once helped by. Finally, Gator decided to give politics a shot. With the settlement money bankrolling his effort, Gator is now involved heavily in Democratic politics in Florida, and is planning to run for Governor under his formal name, Alligator Jackson and the stirring campaign motto, "CHOMP ON", versus current Republican Gov. Charlie Crist.

Gator is now a happy family man. He married the Homecoming Queen at UofF, and their daughter won a scholarship to Vassar and the family leads a normal, happy life.

As a final note, there is one thing you'll never see Gator do - crying crocodile tears!

Special ASS MUNCH Lifetime Achievement Award Goes To........

Well, this will be short and sweet because I'm in a rather P.O.'d mood and the useless ass munch I'll be talking about has his head so far up his own arse that he sees what color his own urine is before he tries to drink it again. That's right kids, in Fall River, and certain parts of Somerset, you know, on the grounds of radio station WSAR, aka, Keri Rodrigue's children's future college fund, this cretinous fool I'm describing has made it his life's work to be an annoying hemorrhoid to young and old alike, yet somehow, for a functional illiterate, feels himself to be a major media celebrity. I hate to break this to both he and his listeners, but if you're only well known in Fall River, and that is only because people delight in making fun of your stupidity, you "ain't nuthin' " to borrow a term from the facile mind of our guest of honor!

No, this idiot also goes by a "nom de plume" on the comment sections of the Fall River Herald News (HN) of "LukeUrban", and this weekend continued his private war with the Fall River Police Department (FRPD) by siding with the dark side, a collection of maggots making life miserable for the residents of the 5th Street area. 5th Street, as you know, is a primary center of armed robbery, murder, assault, pimping , prostitution, and drug sales in Fall River. But "LukeUrban" was denigrating efforts by police to disband a large group of youths from the area who were blocking the flow of traffic and basically threatening the honest citizens of the neighborhood IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. Claiming they were only "dancing", because the lead mindless thug jumped on top of a car to act the fool in front of police, "LukeUrban" repeatedly tried to anger other commenter's on purpose with inflamatory statements about how benign the gang of hoodlums were and how cowardly a particular FRPD Sargent- which, of course, was not the case at all - was in trying to deal with a volatile, outnumbered by gutless wonders situation.

Apparently the great Mike Herren, who the entire City, it seems, knows is "LukeUrban" (or so everyone says - hey moron, this throw away line makes me untouchable...lol), is on a personal vendetta to blacken the reputation of the outnumbered FRPD because of his arrest and arraignment on the grounds he tried to hit a man, who he had just punched in the throat, with his vehicle, presumably to escape arrest for the throat punching incident. Consciousness of guilt - it's a beautiful thing!

So, of course when I get up this morning and read a short blurb in the Boston Globe about two people in Fall River being shot at 4 AM on East Main Street, my mind was made up. Mike, it's time to go to rehab. You've had your little fling with Correia's grand daughter (what, she's like, 20 years your junior - what a guy, pimping his grand daughter for good radio coverage by an imbecilic moron like you!) but now, you're about out of time, your 15 minutes have lasted about 14 minutes too long. Your neighbors all hate you. That's a F-A-C-T! Why? They are tired of your endless 'PAHHHHHTIES" until 5 AM every day. Let's see, the police want you badly, your neighbors want you to move to New Jersey and the bars you scrounge free drinks from because of your ability to draw crowds (LMFAO) are tired of your free-loading. The only thing most people can't fathom is why the Karam's, who are supposed to have a clue, keep your stinky behind around. Must be jealousy, right Mike, er, I mean, "Luke"? Personally, when Keri wins her case, your days are done! And think how complicated your Motor Vehicle Assault case will become then, once you've been successfully found guilty of assault in a Civil Suit!!!...OH-OHHHHHHH..lol...Sometimes Mike, sweating isn't always from drinking too much the night before!

So, without further ado, I hereby give a special ASS MUNCH Lifetime Achievement Award to Mike Herren/LukeUrban!. I knew you'd be a shoe in since the day your older teammates on the BC basketball team threw you through a bar's plate glass window because you were pissy drunk and refused to shut the hell up about missing Chow Mein Sandwiches. But, c'est la vie, right Luke?

Hey Mike....next time you go ghetto dancin'.....just show the world just how much of an Ass Munch you are...after all...you've certainly earned the right!

Old Man Wisdom From The Porch

Just a few musings from the mind of an old man sittin' in his rocker on his front porch, watching the world go by..........Hey, I was just thinkin'.........

*Why spend your time graduatin' from an on-line university if you'd be too embarrassed to admit it on your resume for fear of being laughed out of the interview?

*If you can use a reversible comforter or a reversible jacket without washing them, why can't you use your underwear the same way?

*If your wife can have an affair, take all your property and children in a divorce, and still get half your income for life, why do people still call her your better half?

*Why is it that by the time the Good Lord let's you gain the knowledge and possessions you need to please a beautiful young woman in all the right ways you're too damn old and used to want too?

*If a tree falls in the woods and there's no one there to hear it, why don't more people cut it up and bring it home for free firewood?

*Isn't it ironic that with all that nasty business happening in motel rooms across the country, there's always a bible right near the bed? Does it also mean you might find bible bed bugs?! Holy roller Christian bugs that suck the blood of innocent vicitms.....HMMMM....sounds about right....way to go Padre!

*Don't think you know anything about being Catholic? When you find a flea on your dog, do you start scratching yourself for no reason? Same thing as knowing Catholic guilt, without the fleas. And you can't take a medicated bath to get rid of it. Catholics call that being an alcoholic.

* Why, when growing up Irish in a typically large family, whenever anyone uttered the phrase "Is the glass half empty or half full?", did I immediately ask myself "who stole the best half of my drink?"

*Did the chicken who crossed the road have a green card? Does Lou Dobbs know?

*If chowmeinsammichis are so damn good, why is it you can only taste the bun?

*Does Columbia Street run through the Portuguese part of town because Columbus was really Portuguese, or just because he liked hot chourico from Michael's? Then why don't they call it "Hot Chourico Street"?

*I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

*If my cat plays a Mozart sonata on my piano, should I still expect him to bring home a dead mouse as tribute? Oh, how silly of me, he should have played Requiem! Stupid fleabag!

*If "idiot savants" know one thing better than almost anyone else, why are most people I know dumber than an idiot? And why are so many of them ex-state legislators?

*If the Quequechan River needs to be "uncovered", does that mean the reason it was covered up is because "quequechan" really means "stolen local receipts" in Indian?

* People should leave Tom Brady alone! He's a wealthy, famous local professional athlete, his wife is one of the most beautiful women in the world, he's got a child coming, and his other baby momma is a hollywood star....on second thought, I sleep next to a metal bed pan and the last time I was aroused was when I drank Metamucil from a Welch's grape jelly Flintstones glass and thought Wilma was hot....Tom Brady, I HATE YOU, MAN!

*The sound system on the Fall River Public Access cable channel is like four winos farting in a steel drum.

* A man once said "If one would give me six lines written by the hand of the most honest man, I would find something in them to have him hanged."...I think that man was named Vice President Cheney!...It was actually Cardinal Richelieu - who says history doesn't repeat itself! If D'artangan was alive, I bet he'd stab ol' Cheney right in the arse!

We,too,are part of this world

While we live through our problems here in Fall River, and they are great, we must always remember that the world carries on with us or without us. The world outside of our cozy neighborhood , whether it's a father in Afghanistan worried about his wounded child, a bus being used to celebrate a national soccer victory somewhere in Central America, or a police officer tracking down a criminal in the slums of South Africa, is something we must embrace, with all its pain, joy, beauty, cruelty and the inspiration it holds within. We must do this because we are part of this world, and Fall River is not unique in all things. Sometimes we like to think we are. We should not.

That photo in the top left hand corner could be in Bristol County, or the Berkshires, maybe the White Mountains. It is actually a scene of autumn in Japan. Let us learn from other places and other ways of thinking. Let's not always be a slave to old ways of solving problems or looking at ourselves. It's a trap that holds us back, which reduces us to marching in place when we should be running with the rest of the world. When we master this, when we have the courage to change, we will rise above the mess we are in.

All you need to do to know it's true is to see the way out fearless leaders for the last 50 years in Fall River have lead us. It's time to heal the inside by looking more outside of the ways that make us feel comfortable. It does not mean we have to surrender our unique character or the good things that makes us special. Places outside of Fall River are more like us than you let yourself think. Yet, at the same time, they are different because of the way they look at themselves and the world around them. We need to have more faith in ourselves, yet have new courage to try solutions those outside of Fall River have used successfully. It surely couldn't hurt, and it will probably help a great deal. Growth as a community is always painful, but it always leads to more of everything we want and need.

WHAT ARE WE IF NOT CONSISTENT !

" With Patrick’s announcement still fresh, state Rep. Kevin Aguiar, D-Fall River, said it was too early to commit to 9C cuts as a method to solve the state’s budget woes.“I think the last thing that should be cut is local aid,” Aguiar said. “I think the we need to look at state agencies first and determine if those cuts can bridge the gap. Aguiar also said he did not know how much Patrick may seek to take from local aid, but suggested the legislature wait before taking action in hopes the economy will continue to improve.“Hopefully the state will be able to meet future benchmarks, the revenue will turn around and we won’t have to make these cuts,” Aguiar said."

(source: Fall River Herald News 10/15/09)

These are the words of wisdom from Kevin Aguiar, Representative for the 7th Bristol District, House of Representatives. I'm so glad this guy is not MY representative.

Kevin "sports cards for fun and enjoyment, only" Aguiar cuts a fine figure, if you like your politicians not too bright, but almost bright enough to get themselves arrested. Yes, we don't need to re-hash all that gambling stuff, I know, everyone is entitled to a mistake while serving the public. But this guy has made a career out of playing "Micky the Dunce" while BEING "Kevy the Dunce" throughout his public service career. That's what we Irish call the daily double, a term with which I'm sure Kevy-boy is very familiar.

Now we come to a real crisis, not the kind Kevy-boy is familiar with what-so-ever. You see, this appears to be a rotten case of deja vu for you and I and all the OTHER public employees of Fall River. But not for Kevy-boy. No, he was probably found asleep at his seat in the House of Representatives the last time the legislature approved the Governor's request to allow him emergency powers to make 9C cuts mid year through FY09. That's the only thing that could have explained the, excuse the expression, "brain fart", that occurred when Kevy-boy spoke to a reporter from the Fall River Herald News (HN) about today's announcement by the Governor of a $600 million revenue deficit for the current fiscal year.

I mean, when there was a $700 million shortfall last fiscal year, right around Christmastime, the present the City received was a layoff of what, ONLY 150 employees! The cry went out then that it would have hurt a lot less locally if there were more time over which to spread the cuts. With the entire intelligent world knowing that there is a serious recession going on in the U.S. and that things don't look too encouraging in terms of income tax growth in states like Massachusetts for the next 12 to 24 months, Kevy-boy decides to make a plea for more time before making cuts with the hope that the economy rebounds in the next six months or so. PURE GENIUS. SCARY SHMMMMAHHT this guy is! Oh yes, that's right, I used the term "entire intelligent world". Sorry, my bad, because that obviously leaves out Kevy-boy!

This guy is scary all right but it sure isn't because he's any relation of Einstein. He inherited little bobby correia's seat in the House, and blindly voted little bobby's way on the School Committee for the last two years. That itself is scary enough. But to say what he did to the HN, given what happened last year, is the scariest thing I've heard spoken by a member of the City's legislative delegation in my 30 years in Fall River. He's so out of touch I simply have to ascribe it to his being as dumb as the day is long. Enjoy your award Kevy-boy, you've earned it!

AN IDEA WORTH TRYING !!

Today a proposal was made by Sen. Mark Warner (D - Virginia) to take approximately $50 billion of the previously appropriated TARP Funds and match that with private sector banking commitments of at least 10%-20% ($5 - $10 billion) and create a new loan program designed to assist small businesses to survive and expand. The idea is a reflection that most new jobs in America are created by small business, and with a terrible jobless rate and achingly slow growth in the GNP, that small business expansion is the primary way this country's joblessness and economic growth problems will be solved.

This proposal by Warner will cost not an additional dime - the funds already exist and are sitting in TARP reserves. Commercial Banks were not helped by the TARP program, only Investment Banks. Commercial Banks were not the cause of the financial collapse, only Investment Banks. It seems only fitting that the principal engine that drives our local, regional and national economy, small business health and growth, be given a helping hand when it is needed. And we need it now, especially in Fall River.

This proposal is a no brainer. A program to make an alliance with Commercial Banks and already appropriated TARP funds to expand small business across the country is precisely the tool we need at the precise time it is needed. Local banks being able to make local loans, allowing local workers access to permanent, good paying jobs - who could be against this?

I'll keep watching developments with this proposal and will report back to you on a regular basis. If this City hopes to pull itself out of its unemployment horror and build not only its micro economy but its self esteem back to where our old timers remember, this type of program will be instrumental in making it happen. Now, real business development could happen, for the arts, for ethnic restaurants, for the Waterfront and to fill the Industrial Park. Maybe it's time to ask Barney Frank to support this effort as well. Like I said, it's a no brainer, and he's probably the smartest guy in Congress.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

The recently revealed plan to "federalize" various properties held by the Fall River Housing Authority (FRHA) is, on its face, something that is sorely needed and should be a real benefit for the elderly and handicapped citizens of Fall River. But note the end of that last sentence, "for the benefit for the elderly and handicapped citizens of Fall River".

The current problem that sits like the elephant in the living room is the transplantation of the state's poorest individuals to Fall River, usually living in properties held by the FRHA. They bring with them drug and violent crime problems, family upheaval, all types of social and cultural pathologies, and act as a drain on precious public resources. This has to end and it has to end now.

The ability to improve the life of Fall River's indigent population is fantastic. Better living areas and possible lower rents for the elderly add a great deal to the quality of life to the clients the FRHA serves. The issue comes in the form of ever growing numbers of younger, more drug addicted, more criminally oriented adults residing next to the truly handicapped and elderly populations in many of these "mixed" residential properties. This is no secret across the City. Just ask the police who regularly patrol these properties. Just ask the residents who ask for more patrols to quell the illegal activity, tension and fear that inculcate these places. These elderly and handicapped people may be largely indigent, but they too have a right to live in security and peace. Living next door to some 18 year old with a drug addiction and prostitution background, as well as various psychological diagnoses, does not a pleasant living atmosphere make. SOMETHING MUST BE DONE! There must be some legal way to pre-screen these people and send them to a location, if you must accept them, that will provide the most peace of mind to the largest number of FRHA clients. It only makes common sense. It will probably make more sense in policing efficiency as well.

Why turn every location into Maple Gardens, where each child grows up living like they are in the middle of the children's story "Where The Wild Thing Are". Unfortunately, unlike Max in the original story, the innocent citizens living there cannot stare down the drug dealers and thugs and become king of the wild things. Trying that would probably get you capped! Or at least beat down severely, with everyone there calling you a "snitch". What is wrong in a City where a 76 year old woman has to be terrorized by some young gang affiliated punk for calling the police to get them to lower their stereo at 2 A.M.? But that's exactly the type of thing that happens everyday, not just at Maple Gardens, but at the Elderly/Handicapped federal properties described as the ones slated for improvement. It just doesn't make sense. And we should not stand for it.

The elderly and handicapped residents in FRHA properties now live in fear that every night, and especially on the 1st and 15th of the month, when SSI and State Welfare checks are sent, the younger, nastier residents will start a "Wild Rumpus", which turns to abject terror after the check money runs out and everyone has to lock themselves down to prevent thefts and assaults by these drug crazed morons. The FRHA knows this. The entire City knows this.

No, it's time to leave "where the wild things are" to childern's literature and not something the least able to protect themselves have to live through. The Mayor appoints individuals to the FRHA Board. It is absolutely essential that measures be taken to curb the importation of the states problems just because we may have some empty FRHA apartments or a lower cost of living. It's not fair, and it's not right. Let's make sure we change it!

The inscrutible C.I.A.

Johnson studied the photos of the man he was to eliminate, disguised ingeniously as a cat...but he was ingeniously disguised as mountian goat sporting tennis balls to cover up his uzi's....yes, no one would possibly notice him on South Main Street in Fall River!

THE BUILDING THAT KILLED A CITY

Who is this man and why is he such a tool?

"On the first day, he created a Court House." No?! Are you sure about that?!

Well then, maybe someone should tell the judges , court clerks and court officers, and their relatives, who will no doubt fill every conceivable open retail space in downtown Fall River with copy centers and sandwich shops, that they really are not modern day deities. I know this will come as a shock to them. I guess they also won't mind me letting them know County Commissioners all over the state used to laugh like hell at them for their incessant whining about space and parking and better facilities so the only constituency they really care about, other worthless attorneys, will be happy. You see, even mighty judges have poor self esteem. They are, for the most part, just people pleasers to the max. That should make you feel very happy this Sunday. Judges are people too....just less so than you and I.

Why else would they conspire to build a brand new court edifice smack dab in the center of the downtown Fall River central business district? My, they exhibit the kind of sick, out-sized egos of an a collection of raging alcoholics! Only judges could throw a hissy fit to bring about the destruction of a city just to make sure they have new office space. And don't think for one second that what I just wrote isn't the truth. The day that project was approved was the day the end of Fall River's central business district was settled. Consider it dead. We're only waiting for the Court House ribbon cutting to hold the wake. On that day, the great migration of the regions unwashed masses of dope fiends, con-men and women, prostitutes , violent criminals and all around miscreants will take up permanent residence on Main Street, Fall River. Except for Friday afternoons in the non-winter months. We all know how fond judges and attorney's are about afternoon tee-times.

Now, what about that swarthy looking man pictured above, you know, the guy who looks like he just left Satriale's Market in New Jersey with a gobba goul torpedo! That man is Ken Fiola, executive vice president of the Fall River Office of Economic Development. He is very proud of the fact that he just may be in receipt of a $9 million grant to construct a four (4) story parking garage adjacent to the OTHER parking garage on the fringe of the central business district (cbd) just a piece of falling bricks throw from the "Mistake on the Quake", City Hall. Only problem is he's trying to convince everyone he can that the garage is for all our benefit, that such a parking facility is crucial for a thriving cbd. Yes, it would be if the cdb hadn't been reduced to one big Court House! I mean, I think the one good thing to come out of the proposed garage will be a permanent location for a bus terminal. However, who's Fiola kidding? I think he might be the only person in Fall River stupid enough the swallow the idea that the garage is for you and I to use. Everyone with a brain knows it's for the judges and court clerks and court officers and attorney's, period! Wait until they get a hold of some stencils and paint guns and start setting aside reserved parking spaces for the robed ones and their possies. This will be fun to watch. And the only time the likes of you and I will get to park there will be after 5 PM, when there won't be anything open except for the pawn shops and Dunkin Donuts.

At a time when most urban areas are seeing efforts to revitalize cdb's, we here in Fall River act like we can't kill ours fast enough. I challenge anyone, anywhere to point out to me what Northeast United States urban area was brought back to life by putting a huge sinkhole of a courthouse complex right where it's most vital business space should be? You cannot because it hasn't happened, because here in Fall River, we buck all trends. Here in Fall River, we spare no effort to break the bounds of daring to be mediocre. GREAT JOB FIOLA! PERFECT! You ARE a tool, in more ways than one! By the way, I know you get paid enough to afford a tie! Please at least show the people of Fall River the respect of dressing like a professional if you are pulling down salary enough to be paid like one. Tool says it all.

TODAY, WE START A TRADITION......

"And the award goes to....."

I find myself in need of a "vent" today, and I think I have found the perfect target. Once I saw the front page of the Fall River Herald News, I knew who I was going to vent my spleen on, spew invective at, rub their puppy-like nose in heaps and piles of , and generally, who would catch my keyboard expectoration's! You guessed it, the owner of "OLIVERS", a classy little juke joint up near the old airport grounds which are now part of the industrial park. Mr. Paul Viveiros, COME ON DOWN, you are the first winner of the weekly chowmeinsammach's "The Stupid, It Burns" Award. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Mr. Viveiros likes being in the mix, so to speak. Not satisfied with taking the City for a cool $1 million, or there abouts, in needless City legal expenses several years ago, and after getting back every dime he spent for HIS legal fees over the right to turn his once thriving bar and restaurant into a nekkid hoochie mama factory ( aka, STRIP CLUB), he now bemoans the fact that the cost to file an advertisement required by law with the Planning Board was raised, over the years like all the other fees City residents pay, to $250! A similar increase in fees for posting he is required to pay to the City Clerk also has risen over the years. So now, in order to start the process to make Fall River the home of Friday morning "Eggs and Leggs" specials, Mr. Viveiros, now to be known by his new chowmeinsammich moniker "PMF" (Pimp Master Flash), can't pay out $500 to make it happen, at least not by this route. No, PMF declares his intention to attack this City via any number of other ways to ensure his , and your (he's so thoughtful, isn't he) Constitutional rights to watch nekkid women dance on stage for every dollar bill in circulation in this part of Bristol County. As the guy who used to own a newspaper stand in downtown Boston used to say to me each morning "Amerrikaa, ees BEEuutifull Coohntree!!!".

No, he "ain't gaht" the $500 small to pay for this attempt to stay in the news a bit longer (And maybe, drum up some new business for his dump, but shhhhhhh, your not supposed to be able to figure that out...it's a secret between us, ok?), so he went for his coup de gras, the open, lettered toilet seats and nekkid, blindfolded, sword holding mannequin to let everyone leaving from or coming to the City wonder just what sort of flaming morons live in a community like Fall River! I guess flaming morons like PMF!

Sure, this is really going to help your case with individuals in this City that want the issue to be decided once and for all. Even those who might be sympathetic to your cause and agree with you that the Karams have to take one for the team and devote a small portion of that untapped goldmine of good jobs at good wages and tax revenues to an Adult Entertainment District just don't like to be associated with a toilet bowl like you! ( Sorry, I didn't mean to insult those innocent toilet bowls up there.) So, for having the foresight to whip otherwise unconcerned and apathetic people in the City into an anti-strip joint mob of fanatics overnight, and sentencing everyone else to more useless crusades by well meaning, but over emotional, "under-educated" in the subject matter, zealots who might prevent the very establishment of the Adult Entertainment Zone you seek for several more years, YOU, PMF, are the first winner of the weekly chowmeinsammich "The Stupid, It Burns" Award!!!! Once again, great work, and here's hoping people on both sides of the argument don't catch you before it's time to sneak out of town in the wee, small hours of the morning , before daylight, of course. But, you being the you you are, will probably be found stuck up side down and head first in one of the toilet bowls on your front lawn because you tried to get in the news one last time! Here's to your good luck in pulling it off!

(Editors Note: The issue of where to create an Adult Entertainment Zone in Fall River should be placed on a ballot and decided by the citizens of Fall River. It is a shame that none of the elected officials in the City but one wants to keep these places well away from residential areas or schools for fear of upsetting the Karam Gang. Too bad for the Karams. Let the City take the land in the Industrial Park by Emminent Domain, if that's possible, pay the Karam Gang its extortion money, and be done with it! Fall River needs to act NOW to protect it's families, retail outlets and neighborhood property values from unplanned placement of adult entertainment businesses. For a City that makes such wonderful bread, it never ceases to amaze me that few here know how to slice it without cutting themselves.)

PROPOSED: To Create A City Department of Finance

NOTE: PLEASE "CLICK" ON ORG CHART TO EXPAND - THEN "CLICK" ON "BACK ARROW" TO RETURN TO ORIGINAL SIZE!

As a result of the fact that the single greatest determinate of the ability of the City of Fall River to exist and succeed will be its capacity to manage and grow financial resources, I have devised what I believe would be the most efficient and effective organizational chart for the City going forward. I do this for the following reasons:

* Revenues into the City determine all budgetary decisions, hence the ability of the City to provide all of its services,

* Prior administrations have not paid sufficient attention to budget and revenue administration and growth, requiring intense and permanent efforts,

* The City will face numerous administrative issues related to non-finance areas to occupy the City Administrator for the foreseeable future.

I propose several actions:

First - Charter change to increase the term of Mayor to four (4) years, because constant fiscal pressures do not allow a Mayor to manage those issues sufficiently to bring about meaningful change within any single two (2) year period. In addition, have regional representation on the City Council with the current number of members unchanged, but with three (3) of those members elected "At Large", allowing for political coverage for all taxpayers and citizens of Fall River. The length of City Councillor terms to remain unchanged.

Second, create the position of Director of Budget and Finance/Treasurer, with all departments having any functional responsibility for City finance and property tax base generation to report to, and be directed by, this position, including Board of Assessors. It makes no sense to have the Board of Assessors , which has responsibility to complete administration of property valuations, which determine the City's tax revenues, not to report to this position. In addition, in order to coordinate the City's financial administration, which takes up the overwhelming number of data processing activity, and because I can envision additional internal financial management information needs arising, a Management Information Systems department will be created from what is currently Data Processing, and it also will report to the Director of Budget and Finance .

For far too long the City's finances have lacked the kind of concern and attention , and, to be frank, professionalism, needed by a City with a $200+ million budget and 90,000+ residents. A very rigorous job description will have to be written for this position, requiring a minimum of ten (10) years of similar professional municipal management experience, an MPA, MBA or MS in Accounting, and a minimum of five (5) years prior experience as a municipal treasurer in MA. There should NOT be a residency requirement for this position, in order to attract the most qualified candidate. Quite frankly folks, the local talent has OBVIOUSLY not been talented enough to do the job. That's just the fact of it. If you've got any proof to the contrary, make a comment, drop a line, tell me a story, you know, make your argument heard.

This Director of Budget and Finance position MUST report directly to the Mayor, NOT the City Administrator, to emphasize the need and importance of the position. Therefore, it must be paid commensurately with the other department positions reporting directly to the Mayor. The position must also be hired via a contract.

The creation of this Department of Finance should cost LESS than what we are currently spending because it does away with the needless Budget Coordinator position created under the current administration.

The organizational chart above probably misses some important non-financial functions, but they can easily be added. Also, the City Clerk and Elections Division probably must operate independently to ensure impartiality of elections and "personal" ( births, deaths, marriages) license matters, so that adjustment could easily be made. The main thrust is that in a City this size, with the permanent financial management issues Fall River has seemingly had for generations , there is a need to address these concerns now and in the future.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!