The Secret Life of GATOR

Alligator found near Harbour Mall

(source: Fall River Herald News (10/24/09) )

Headlines grabbed from the pages of the Fall River Herald News (HN), and we're here to bring you the story BEHIND the story, as we dig deep into this sordid tale (tail?) of blatant opportunism, stow aways, interstate transportation of underage alligators with the intent of pornographic exploitation and the mass murder of innocent rodents throughout Fall River. It will also be a story of hope and renewal as the Gator in the center of this slimy swamp of human excess rises above youthful indiscretions and becomes a candidate for office back home in sunny Florida.

It Begins:

On a warm July day in 2004, a young alligator was born to a single alligator mother in the back swamps of Gainsville, Florida.Within days, this young alligator escaped death by inches, as a hawk swooped down to grab it for a quick breakfast only to loose control of it's screeching prey over the backyard of a woman who was a touring professional stripper, a headliner at Gentleman's Clubs all over the United States, resting at her home in Florida on a short break from the bumps of her grinding profession. The young and dazed alligator landed in a bag containing clothes pins, bumping it's head against one of the wooden tools, putting it into a state of unconsciousness for a full 24 hours.

When it awoke a day later, it found itself in an old , round fishbowl, on a bed of gravel and rocks, near a plastic palm tree, and very smelly water. There were several large fingerprints on the outer wall of the fishbowl, and the sunlight was broken up by the smudges, lending it's new jail cell an aire of desperation and grime and Dorito's. It sure didn't help the pounding headache it had, that's for sure.

Lola, the stripper, tried to feed and care for the young patient as best she could, changing the water twice a day and feeding her young charge meal worms, which to the young alligator, tasted every bit the hospital food it was meant to be. She named the friendly little alligator "Gator" and came up with the name the same way she came up with her stage name of Lola....she was stupid. Unfortunate but true.

Stupid Lola placed the fishbowl containing Gator near the studio she had built in her dining room as she practiced her moves on the stripper pole to get ready for her return to the circuit. At one point she placed Gator on her shoulder while stretching, and Gator would try to open his jaws as wide as possible as it wanted to bite her thumb. Lola laughed, and said to Gator "You just gave me an idea for a move on the pole!" Lola then created her famous "Gator" routine, where she would dangle on the pole upside down and spread her legs like Gator opened his jaws, wide open and apart, then quickly close them together as fast as possible, again, like Gator, then repeat this several times. That was the birth of the most famous stripper pole move used today. (see photo above)
Once her new routine was ready, Lola decided to head north to start her new season of touring. She needed to catch the bus. And she needed to find a way to take Gator, the new star of the show!

The Trip North:
Lola decided to head north in September of 2004. She bought a ticket on the first greyhound bus she could find headed to Providence, RI, where she was to headline at the World Famous Foxy Lady. The ad picture of her which ran in the local version of the Phoenix Paper clearly displayed an 8 inch alligator tied around her neck and attached to her spiked collar via means of a matching tiny spiked collar and connecting pink ribbon. It was verified by police during the original alligator sighting investigation to be Gator. The photo was troubling in the respect that Gator appeared to be smiling the whole time. Investigating officers said this image haunts them to this day.
Upon arrival in Providence, young Gator was a hit. Lola garnered rave reviews with her "Gator" move, and it became a surreal scene with guys lined up with $10 and $20 bills used to stuff Lola's g-string and having her SLAM her legs down on the guys hand to collect the cash. But as the days wore on Gator was having trouble adjusting. The ride north had been difficult, having to ride in Lola's large and crowded makeup case, and Gator nearly suffocated from the fumes of cherry flavored red lipstick Lola used during her stage performances. Gator vowed to never stow away on a bus again! In addition, Lola was paid for posing with Gator and male patrons for keepsake photo's at $25 a pop! Gator received none of this money either, and this was particularly rankling because Gator oft times had to endure unwanted involvement in various pornographic poses for pictures male patrons wanted taken between Lola and Gator. The absolute worst was being stroked, touched, and manhandled by drunken male patrons while Lola danced and posed. Later, a panel of experts would write a scathing report to the court on Gator's behalf , citing countless episodes of sexual abuse at the hands of scores of unknown male patrons and Lola, the one time friend and employer turned pimp. (Lola photo, middle-top)

Escape & Capture:

Lola decided to attend a meeting with one Larry Gund, a disreputable owner of strip joints with the alarming and striking appearance to that of the sociopath character "Wayne Groll" from the crime movie "HEAT" Mr. Gund wished to convince Ms. Lola to permanently headline a new Strip Club he planned to build in the City of Fall River, MA. She was told she had to bring Gator, that Gator was part of the package.

Without saying a word, Lola approached Gator carrying a miniature baseball bat, and with one quick strike on the noggin, Gator was knocked out. Lola once again put Gator in her makeup case and headed to Fall River in the Limo sent by Gund to bring her to a meeting at the basement of one of Fall River's more infamous City Councillors, known affectionately by the nickname "Yokel". However, things did not go as planned. Gator woke up coughing from the fumes of red lipstick, and, now longer and much stronger, used his jaws to bite through the cheap vinyl makeup case and breath free. Gator then searched around for the switch installed in the trunk of vehicles to open the trunk from the inside. The wind of the night roared by as Gator closed it's eyes and jumped. Luckily the Limo was rounding a turn and the force made Gator land in the tall, soft grasses of the uncut highway median strip. There being little traffic, gator waited until it could no longer see the Limo's tail lights, then crawled as far as it could, quietly, instinctively, until it found refuge in a swampy area next to the highway, and within viewing distance of numerous glowing, multi-colored lights. Gator could now breath easy for the first time in over 6 months. No more pawing or groping, no dangling by it's neck next to Lola's nekkid who-hah for porno pics. Just relative peace and quiet, at least for one night.
As the days went by, and Gator's hunger grew, it was determined to fend for itself. It quickly found a culvert leading to the Fall River sewer system. In that sewer, Gator found rodents galore to finish off and eat. Gator started to enjoy the hunt, and soon was torturing prey before dispatching it with a whip of it's tail, just to get pleasure from watching it writhe in agony before dying. This became the fate of literally hundreds of Fall River rodents whose deaths the FRPD could directly tie to Gator after it's arrest. It may, in fact, have been thousands. Gator had become a vicious serial killer, with experts saying the sexual exploitation at the hands of Lola and drunken male patrons at such a young age was the most likely cause. Gator was full of rage and it wanted the world to feel it, one chewed off limb at a time!

Then Gator made a mistake. One night it was crawling near the highway, still in the grass, when a passing vehicle full of rowdy teens threw half eaten McDonalds hamburgers out of their windows all over the highway. The smell of meat was too much to ignore. While on a beef eating rampage, the fast food combination of poorly cooked and poor quality meats, sugary ketchup and caramelized/toasted white buns was enough to make Gator a fast food addict. Soon Gator craved the cheap high derived from his now favorite fare. What has never been detailed by the FRPD prior to this article is the picture of Gator pounding on the door of a terrorized family close to the Harbor Mall. The occupants had just been to McDonalds and Gator tracked them down. It was the first, and as far as we know, only case of attempted home invasion by an alligator in the continental United States! Gator was easily apprehended, broke down in tears, and was lead away in cuffs without a hint of struggle. The long hard run was over. The stories of highway sightings were floated by the FRPD to trap any other possible conspirators that Gator might have had in the rat mass murders.

Epilogue:

A police lineup was held. Because of the shortage of alligators that could both walk on their hind legs and speak English, members of the FRPD dressed as alligators in various ways (see photos above)and repeated the phrase "Gimme that Big Mac, Jack!" until the teenage family members from the home Gator tried to invade picked Gator easily from the lineup. You see, gator spoke perfect English, not the Fall River version of English, so it stood out from the others. It was impossible to find anyone in Fall River who did not speak without that accent. This fact, as well as the reports filed with the court, lead to a Judge to declare a mistrial with prejudice because of the illegal lineup. Gator was free to go, but where?

First stop was in-patient for six months at SSTAR in Fall River to receive treatment for a myriad of psych issues related to sex abuse and addiction.

Then came a scholarship back home at the University of Florida at Gainsville. Because of the help it had received at SSTAR, Gator dealt with life on life's terms upon finding the skin of his now dead mother on the floor of the fraternity he was pledging. After deciding to reject offers from other fraternities, and upon receipt of a hefty legal settlement for the pain and anguish caused by the sight of his mother laying on the floor of the living room at TKE covered with empty Budweiser beer cans and crunched up Dorito's, Gator could be seen as an up and coming BMOC driving around campus behind the wheel of his fully restored and tricked out Chrysler Cordova, the one with the "Fine Corinthian Leather". Just as long as it wasn't a relative he was sitting on, Gator was fine.

Gator decided to become a doctor. Once accepted to medical school, Gator decided to give back by working as an EMT both to earn spending cash and help those he was once helped by. Finally, Gator decided to give politics a shot. With the settlement money bankrolling his effort, Gator is now involved heavily in Democratic politics in Florida, and is planning to run for Governor under his formal name, Alligator Jackson and the stirring campaign motto, "CHOMP ON", versus current Republican Gov. Charlie Crist.

Gator is now a happy family man. He married the Homecoming Queen at UofF, and their daughter won a scholarship to Vassar and the family leads a normal, happy life.

As a final note, there is one thing you'll never see Gator do - crying crocodile tears!