Old Man Wisdom From The Porch

Just a few musings from the mind of an old man sittin' in his rocker on his front porch, watching the world go by..........Hey, I was just thinkin'.........

*Why spend your time graduatin' from an on-line university if you'd be too embarrassed to admit it on your resume for fear of being laughed out of the interview?

*If you can use a reversible comforter or a reversible jacket without washing them, why can't you use your underwear the same way?

*If your wife can have an affair, take all your property and children in a divorce, and still get half your income for life, why do people still call her your better half?

*Why is it that by the time the Good Lord let's you gain the knowledge and possessions you need to please a beautiful young woman in all the right ways you're too damn old and used to want too?

*If a tree falls in the woods and there's no one there to hear it, why don't more people cut it up and bring it home for free firewood?

*Isn't it ironic that with all that nasty business happening in motel rooms across the country, there's always a bible right near the bed? Does it also mean you might find bible bed bugs?! Holy roller Christian bugs that suck the blood of innocent vicitms.....HMMMM....sounds about right....way to go Padre!

*Don't think you know anything about being Catholic? When you find a flea on your dog, do you start scratching yourself for no reason? Same thing as knowing Catholic guilt, without the fleas. And you can't take a medicated bath to get rid of it. Catholics call that being an alcoholic.

* Why, when growing up Irish in a typically large family, whenever anyone uttered the phrase "Is the glass half empty or half full?", did I immediately ask myself "who stole the best half of my drink?"

*Did the chicken who crossed the road have a green card? Does Lou Dobbs know?

*If chowmeinsammichis are so damn good, why is it you can only taste the bun?

*Does Columbia Street run through the Portuguese part of town because Columbus was really Portuguese, or just because he liked hot chourico from Michael's? Then why don't they call it "Hot Chourico Street"?

*I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

*If my cat plays a Mozart sonata on my piano, should I still expect him to bring home a dead mouse as tribute? Oh, how silly of me, he should have played Requiem! Stupid fleabag!

*If "idiot savants" know one thing better than almost anyone else, why are most people I know dumber than an idiot? And why are so many of them ex-state legislators?

*If the Quequechan River needs to be "uncovered", does that mean the reason it was covered up is because "quequechan" really means "stolen local receipts" in Indian?

* People should leave Tom Brady alone! He's a wealthy, famous local professional athlete, his wife is one of the most beautiful women in the world, he's got a child coming, and his other baby momma is a hollywood star....on second thought, I sleep next to a metal bed pan and the last time I was aroused was when I drank Metamucil from a Welch's grape jelly Flintstones glass and thought Wilma was hot....Tom Brady, I HATE YOU, MAN!

*The sound system on the Fall River Public Access cable channel is like four winos farting in a steel drum.

* A man once said "If one would give me six lines written by the hand of the most honest man, I would find something in them to have him hanged."...I think that man was named Vice President Cheney!...It was actually Cardinal Richelieu - who says history doesn't repeat itself! If D'artangan was alive, I bet he'd stab ol' Cheney right in the arse!