"DRAIN MAN"

As we run down the final hours of the term of Robert Correa as Mayor of Fall River, we must look back to the days of yesteryear, when he first burst upon the scene as the most prominant idiot savant to ever serve so highly in the Massachusetts Legislature. Of course, there have been a legion of members of the Great and General Court who have had their intelligence, ethics, sexulaity, sobriety, probity  and progeny questioned, but none were as clearly defind in their limited capacities, with one area of  brilliance, as was Robert Correia, known forever more as the "DRAIN MAN"

Yes, the secret can now be told. Robert Correia had extremely limited intelligence caused by getting his infant head stuck in drain pipe when he was just a young lad of 3 months. In fact, most thought he wore the pointed dunce cap throughout his grade school years, until he reached 18 years of age, because he was, well, "limited". In point of fact he was, but also in point of fact...he had a point, in fact, at the top of his head! It simply had to be hidden, declared his loving mother.  In  fact, his first spoken words were not "mama" or "papa" but "pumba", or "plumber" for the person who saved his life. Psychiatrists felt the trauma of having his small head stuck in a drain and hearing that endless sound of water running along the sides of his skull and tumbling down the drain in a swirling tin-like grinding cacophony for 12 hours had caused his condition but also made him a devotee' of all thing DRAINS. His head had been a near perfect fit and caused an extremely powerful vacumn. He would suffer for the rest of his life with the never ending echo of water running down a drain rattling around his atrophied brain. It could be quite embarrassing for those with him when he felt the urge to get down on his knees at a moments notice , stick his head near any drain opening or pipe fixture through which he could hear draining water , and display the uncanny ability to tell those listening the cost of the water running through the water or sewer pipe, just by the sound. He could guague force and speed of the flow as well as volume, and his hobby of memorizing the water and sewer rates for all 351 Cities and Towns in Massachusetts soon paid off.

 " Melrose sewer rate and flow, that's $22.00 a month for this restaurant, $22 dollars, $22 dollars...no pennies, $22 dollars"! AMAZING...and he was never wrong. But alas, he had to sign his paychecks with an "X", like an Indian Chief from the Wild, Wild West contained in an old fashioned cheap ten cent novel. But even on vacations, like the photo from a trip to Thailand taken with the only other water flow idiot savant in the world, the one thing that gave him pleasure was to listen to the flow of water or sewerage through a pipe, any pipe, whether steel, copper or yes, even bamboo!

His political career started completely by accident. After a brief stint as a water meter reader for the Fall River Water/Sewer Department, a position he was granted with the help of a friendly City Councilor  his parents and family members had been giving maximum campaign contributions for over ten years. He happened to be at a political speech near what was to become the TA Restaurant, a speech given by an influential, long time Irish State Senator. The subject was a controversial Water and Sewer Bond Issue for which the City had requested state funding . When in response to a question about water and sewer bills in Fall River the Senator had stated "You find someone here who can tell me how much this restaurant has to pay each hour for water and sewer and I promise you, I'll get that bill passed". As he smiled to his Assitant as he left the stand, the crowd had pushed the DRAIN MAN up to him and Correia started, as usual "Restaurant in Fall River, $3.23 cents, $3.23, $3.23 water and sewer $3.23 per hour at peak times...." The State Senator exploded..." who are you, a wiseguy?...are you for real?"...DRAIN MAN spoke up, while twitching his head to the side, "Yes, I am, and so is the leaky pipe...leaky pipe, cause for excess drainage, excess drainage..leaky pipe Senator...for real, for real....."

Right then and there the State Senator knew he had a winner on his hands...and talked Correia's parents into allowing him to run for State Representative on a platform of controlling water and sewer rates and improving the water and sewer infrastructure through a huge public works project funded by state bonds, at no cost to Fall River. The State Senator began the local custom of sponsoring various House members in their runs for office, and he spoke at each of DRAIN MAN'S appearances, and the only time the crowd heard Correia's voice was when he would recite the cost of various people's bills out loud ,"Louis Aguiar, 14 Durfee Street, $254, $254,  no cents, no cents"...the crowds went wild in their appluase.The State Senator would then BOOM, "Hey this guy KNOWS about water and sewer, doesn't he?.....He's the perfect man for you and the City of Fall River!!!!"  Even though DRAIN MAN was little more than a flushing one trick pony and had the intelligence capacity of a mutant aphid, the State Senator was shameful in how he campaigned for and with his neophyte, idiot savant candidate. All the while, he taught him little about politics, or appropriate behavior, or even how to read or write. But the kid sure could stick his ear on a toilet drain pipe in a heartbeat. And the voters of Fall River loved him for it. They could relate extremely well with the idiot savant who they voted for in a landslide. A man of the people...a dullard, toilet  snuggling man of the people they took to their bosom. The closest thing to the DRAIN MAN politics would ever again witness was the imbecile Joe The Plumber, who usually was found going in circles IN the toilet. But that's another story for another time.

The years went by, and the State House in Massachusetts was the perfect place for a man of Correia's talents.  He understood little of what he voted on, was loyal to the leadership because they let him stay close to the Speaker's private toilet facility, and could impress each representative whenever the water and sewer improvement state bond issues would be taken up, usually every two years, at election time. His command of rate tables for every nook and cranny of the Commonwealth was truly impressive, and fooled this extended ship of fools into believing he was actually an intelligent being and not some profound freak of nature trapped within his own, noise filled mind. Then again, irony sometimes speaks louder than fact, and it was a fact that most representatives had less displayed cranial ability than the DRAIN MAN. He could at least speak authoritatively on A subject, where  most State Representatives barely could recite their own name and party affiliation with any genuine authority. His mental situation at least made DRAIN MAN independent, no matter how small an independence that was. It was this small amount of indepenence that would have tragic consequences for the head flinching, downcast looking simple man who reflected so many within his home community of Fall River.

Finally, after 30 years, Correia was banned from boarding the daily bus to Boston due to his insistance to lay up for the entire trip with his head stuck on the floor in the Greyhounds toilet facility, listening to the swishing chemicals, especially going around corners or when in stop and go traffic. He had grown , ah, sideways, as well as in outspoken, entiled attitude which frightened people around him. To say he was now a bullying, babbling, bubbling lusting idiot savant being was pretty much accurate. Not very pleasant to deal with, but still popular at home. On the Greyhound, not so much!

He took to slowly reciting the water and sewer charges, with a nasally, high pitched sound of a boy in puberty with a two pack a day smoking habit. People soon found themselves raising handkerchiefs to their noses and mouths in a sort of sympathetic sinus clearing precaution as he tried to slowly bark out his number recitations. The constant congestion sound could make a priest in a hospice feel uncomfortable.  But still, the voting populace in Fall River identified with this idiot savant and man of extremely limited intelectual capacity. DRAIN MAN was like them, he was still THEIR idiot! And so it was no surprise that after 30 years of bus rides and toilet sound fun, DRAIN MAN Correia ran for, and won, the race for Mayor of Fall River!

Most thought this the perfect marriage of man to issue, for the City of Fall River was now in the midst of a federal court judgement to develop a water and sewer system to account for storm water runoff to prevent further pollution of local waterways. This would entail a new rate structure tied to a vast, new sewerage and water infrastructure expansion and improvement program. Who else but the master of water and sewer rates to do this important job, everyone in Fall River thought. Problem was, he could only speak in terms of rates, nothing more. So when he was presented with a budget for municipal operations all he kept repeating was "rates too high, must cut rates, all rates to be cut, cut, cut". His finance and management team, too afraid to approach the now cranky and combative Correia, simply pared every department back to the level DRAIN MAN wished the sewer and water rate be cut, even though they knew the numbers just would not add up. Yes, the idiot savant had shown the Peter Principle to be true. He had finally reached the level of his incompetence, in true Fall River fashion.

But he wasn't completely without some smarts. The first thing he did was bark out orders to have a new bathroom built in his Mayor's office. When his Finance Director blurted out the City had 11 million dollars in Free Cash to spend, he immediately replied " $11 million, running water, bathroom, $11 million bathroom, hurry, hurry, $11 million, that's it, that's it, hurry, hurry". DRAIN MAN would while away in that bathroom for most days of his administration, on his hands and knees, flushing and reflushing the toilet, and running the shower at the same time, saying over and over "free, free, all this is free, all mine and all free and all mine". And later in his administration, he gave speedy approval for the "Mother of All Outhouses and Hot Dog Stands" proposal for the High School Athletic Fields. Idiot savant indeed. At least he knew what he wanted. EVERYTHING! But he still managed to cut every rate in the City. The fact he had no idea what he was doing was of concern to no one, until it was too late......

So...in the final analysis....who were the idiots?...and who was the savant?