Top Ten Worst

CHRISTMAS

Albums

OF ALL TIME !!!!!

Enough of the serious stuff for one night. As we enter the heart of the Holiday Season,

Let's have some fun. For all of you with Comcast service, you may have seen their list of the top 30 worst Christmas Albums of all time. Now, I know we all have out own personal UNfavorite Christmas Albums, but I thought we might take a view of my personal condensed list of BAD, and I don't mean GOOD, yuletide superiority. Here goes:

# 10

The absolute best thing Ally McBeal gave the world was Jane Krakowski. The worst was the hideous sound of Vonda Shepard's voice. To say she was overrated is to  take  "New Coke" off the list of infamy. Just think, there are 9 more obnoxious dancing computer baby avatars to go......

# 9

Did you know there is actually a theme park and city named "Twitty City"?

 "Conway Twitty's "Twitty City." Twitty City is a tacky arcade style theme park, which contains a weird walled-in complex where Twitty lives with his entire immediate family. They occupy separate homes all within spitting distance, all subsidized by Twitty of course. Kids, Grandkids, Mom, all RIGHT THERE, behind the brick walls, which are in turn surrounded on all sides by grotesque Twittified commercial development....Twitty is reportedly fanatical about Christmas and lights 50,000 lights every year. He died in 1993"

I wonder how the Twitty Birds sounded like singing "Just a Closer Walk With Thee, Santa Claus? And you wonder why the South lost the Civil War!

# 8

Yeppers to that !  Looks like one of the ZZ Top guys without his sun glasses on. I just can't believe this was a TIME/LIFE production! No word of a lie, one of the songs on this edition of yuletide excellence is "All I Want for Xmas is My Upper Plate". Yee Haw from Hee Haw!

# 7

We gots some Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre and some Ho Ho Ho's in the hizzie my jizzie, yo! Something about a "Parental Advisory/Explicit Content" warning that just screams Merry Christmas, ya'know what I'm sayin' Yo? You feel me, fer real!

# 6

Good Grief Charlie Brown, it's William "She bangs, She bangs" Hung! I can just hear it now..... "Hark the Herald Angles Siiing, oh She bangs She bangs...She bangs, She bangs, Glory to the Newborn King, casue She bangs, She bangs....." Talk about a one trick reindeer!

# 5

You know we're getting closer to critical mass when this Yuletide Yodeling Yuckmeister is in the middle of our worst list.  Great sitting robe there Slim, I'm sure you really wear that on the range there, Cowboy. That and the ascot,  no doubt  to keep your ever-so-talented yodeling throat warm and ready to go at a moments notice. By the way, great production values for the cover photo with those tres expensive oversized fabric ornaments.

# 4

I am personally excited about this particular choice. When my kids ask me what it was like to be a young adult in the seventies (70's), I can  now always point out this album cover. See the "mom" holding one of the "dad's" cool powder blue double knit polyester double breasted suit jackets? The very height of "cool" during the early and mid seventies if you were, say, aroung 45 or older. In the background you can see the dad in question with his white belt on those powder blue suit pants. What is hidden, but no doubt there, are the white leather loafers to match the belt. Groovy! And that dad in the background to the left isn't wearing a "fade" haircut. That's what we used to call a"flat-top" haircut, usually worn by lifers in the USMC or any local policeman. That special sale price of $1.99 too. More groovy than you'd find by shakin' your grove thing...oppps, my bad...that's the next decade....

# 3

....and what a decade the next decade was....Tony Manero from Saturday Night Fever wished he had it so good. A disco version of hits like "White, White ,White, White ChristmaaaaAAA aaaaaaAAA aaaaaaaAAA aaaaaaaaasss, ohhhhh Whiiite Christmassss". There was always snow on the ground (and on the spoons and up the noses) at Studio 54. Now, you can shake your groove thing!

# 2

Just what the European Union needs, their own version of Jose Feliciano. Hey, chill with the candles man, the dude is BLIND! I bet when this cat starts singing "Feliz Navidad" in German, it sounds like a Nazi military march! Ach-Tung Jesus, Happy Birthday , Yuletide jugen!

(Drumroll, please)

# 1

Well, if this isn't the type of ecumenical spirit the Vatican tried to elicit some 50 years ago. Just goes to show you that there ain't no hits like the classic oldies. And who doesn't want to hear Christmas favorites like "Joy to the World" played on an organ, the kind of organ you could hear at the local roller rink 50 years ago! The immortal Korla Pandit the Indian organ master...wonder what he's got under that head wrap, some kind of Sikh Mistletoe? Maximum CREEPY!

Ah, I can smell the Holiday Patchouli from that last one all the way over here. I hope we haven't offended the little baby Jesus tring to have some fun. I'm sure we haven't. After all, he sent them our way. He has a great sense of humor...

Merry Christmas, Y'All!!!!