The Great Noodle Race ! (A Fable for Modern Times)

Fall River's Oriental Chow Mein Noodle Co. open for business


Posted Nov 30, 2009 @ 09:42 AM

Last update Nov 30, 2009 @ 02:11 PM


FALL RIVER — The familiar scent of baking noodles is wafting once more around the just reopened Oriental Chow Mein Noodle Co.

Employees are busy baking and packaging noodles after finally getting the last pieces of equipment in place late Friday. The crew, dormant since a June fire, began selling noodles in the late afternoon Friday, and officially reopened Monday morning.(source: Fall River Herld News (HN)

Well it's a great day in the City of Fall River as one of the most precious local resources has come back to life, hopefully, to stay ever open and productive.

The Oriental Chow Mein Noodle CO. reopened their doors to, not just to Fall River, but to a region, nay, an entire country waiting to feel the crunch and taste the dry dusty, hard doughy goodness that helps make the Chow Mein Sandwich into the

bland bit of cheap goodness people from coast to coast have long since been addicited to as if it were life's blood itself.

Not only is this locally created treat an early staple of fast food consumption, it literally defines a part of the City of Fall River, one that is near and dear to Fall Riverites, and became the very name for this Investigative Blog, " chowmeinsammich " because of the way natives here pronounce the iconic consumable. And it was here on "chowmeinsammich" that we first broke the REAL story behind the story of a mid summer accident which caused the firey damage

to the original Oriental Chow Mein Noodle CO. In actuallity, what occurred was a battle between local and NYC organized crime interests that literally spilled into the very kitchens of the Oriental Chow Mein Noodle CO:

" More than that, it was the end of a way of life for literally tens of dozens of people here in the heart of Spindle City, and more than 363 heartbroken devotees of the famous, dangerous and addictive “Chow Mein Sammich” (CMS). The war that broke out between controlling criminal interests in Fall River and their hated rivals for Chow Mein Noodle supremacy in New York City was driven by a combination of gluttonous greed, reckless ambition and a hunger for raw power not seen nationally since the waning days of the questionable administration of Fall River Mayor Robert "Bobby Fat Dragon" Correia."

(source: chowmeinsammich, September, 2009)

Ah yes, Robert "Bobby Fat Dragon" Correia. Who could forget the  "larger than life" persona of the corrupt moustache pete who tried to control all aspects of  chow mein noodle production in the Northeast United States. (Notice his personal business card, left) Fat Dragon's fate was an untimely end at the hand of a cruel and trained assassin and Fat Dragon's own pet Komodo Dragon.

In the intervening months since the bombing of the Fall River noodle factory by NYC organized crime interests, NYC decided it made more dollars and cents to concentrate on Wall Street and the easy money to be made from the tsunami of Federal Stimulus monies, and have, at least temporarily, let the business revert back into the hands of  legitimate owners, with the death of those who had been involved in petty criminal enterprises in Fall River, like the late Fat Dragon Correia and his principal thug wannabe "Luke Urban, aka “The Hurricane”, a known enforcer for the local entry in the crime syndicate business, the Karam Boys." If you recall, at the first hint of trouble, the Karams escaped by immediately selling their Fall River holdings for mere pennies on the dollar and went screaming hyterically through the night onto a flight to their native homeland, Lebanon.

RENEWAL

And so we arrive at today. with production once again started by co-owners Barbara and Albert Wong. "We go to production BIG TIME" said Albert Wong.  "No man from New York make me sleep with fish this time" Wong shouted defiantly. "He better bring Buce REEE with him, because me  have  meat creaver arways handy...I wiwll kiwwll him, chop-chop!" beamed Wong.

Mr. Wong, who bears a striking resemblence to bellicose North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, and sounds much like him while waving that "meat creaver" high around his head while shouting, also oversees the production of noodles for export as well.

Wong attests to the fact that he had many a sleepless night because of the previous bombing of his business by NYC competitors. However, he has expressed a real fear of having to "sleep with fish" (see, left)  in the future if the troubles start with his Big Apple co-horts, who have never really lost an interest in his incredibly fast growing successful business.
 
 

With the advent of growing markets for their noodles across the country, planned production will explode in the next twelve(12) months. Tractor tarilers hauling pallets of boxed Oriental Chow Mein Noodle CO. product, under the familar name " HOO MEE" name will soon be leaving the warehouse to replenish supplies to scores of restaurants catering to hungry and loyal chinese noodle fetishists everywhere!
"But, for those in need of a quick fix, the noodles are currently available in one, two, three and five pound bags, complete with gravy packets, Wong said. Restaurants should get their share of the noodles by the end of this week, he said"
(source:HN)

EXPANSION

But it was the OTHER co-owner of the business that caused the national commotion about Fall River's most famous food stuff. Ms. Barbara Wong is credited with the national PR campaign that led to the great rising popularity of the Oriental Chow Mein Noodle CO. product, HOO MEE chinese noodles. With her good looks and background on stage and regional dinner theater productions, she became synonomous with the HOO MEE product line, playing off her close resemblance to Nancy Kwan of "Flower Drum Song" fame. She rose to prominent national attention when she appeared in a commercial for her noodles, wearing a tight, skimpy silk sarong, holding a recognizable yellow box of HOO MEE noodles, looking into the camera and saying, in a very sultry voice and asking the provocative question " Aren't you tired of being whipped by a wet noodle? ". Then a chorus of male voices replies in unison "HOO, MEE?". Then Barbara Wong, still smiling and looking playfully into the camera says, with a wink, " YES!". Then the camera cuts to a picture of a large box of HOO MEE noodles and a background announcer says " Give your appetite for crunchy noodles a "wink" next time...buy HOO MEE, crispy Chinese Noodles. At your grocery outlets everywhere!"

What Barbara Wong knew better than anyone was that brand loyalty was HOO MEE's strongest selling point, that, and the ability of the noodle to stay crunchy no matter how much hot, tasteless brown Chow Mein gravy was thrown over them. So she decided to hit the national talk show circuit after the release of the racy commercial which served as a basis for the national advertising

campaign. First stop was NYC and the Regis and Kelly Show. She was greeted by both Regis and Kelly dressed up as boxes of HOO MEE noodles. It was gratifying, if not a comedy success, as Barbara kept being asked repeatedly by a nearly senile Regis, while still on the air LIVE, "Did ya bring that sarong with you?"  He kept trying to pinch her rear end during commercial breaks  saying "Hey lady, you wanna see my crunchy noodle?" It soon became a bore and a nusance, so much so that and Kelly put her HOO MEE box on top of Regis for the last section of the interview.

Then came the meeting with the Ladies of THE VIEW.  Barbara was unprepared for the blatant stupidity of Sherri Shepard, who had no idea what Chow Mein was, of any type or derivation, let alone the need for crunchy noodles

to make it edible. Sheppard kept mentioning how her autistic son would love the bright yellow box but that she doubted her Jehovah Witness religion would allow her to eat something that had been the cause of a nasty criminal battle across the ocean. "I just don't know anything about Fall River" she said with a straight face , while Whoppy Goldberg and Joy Behar tried unsuccessfully to surpress laughter at their friend's utter cretinous statements.   " But our producer for this story said there is a bridge to it that stretches from a place 150 miles away from New York, called Somerset,  all the way over to Fall River in Portugal. That's a mighty long bridge...How come I never heard of that long a bridge, I wonder? " Then the audience exploded in laughter, and they cut to a commercial. That was the end of Barbara Wong's appearence on the View.

A much friendlier host and audience was found

on the EMERIL program due to Emeril's long history with Fall River and familiarity with the product. While they had never before met, Barbara Wong and Emeril hit it off, so much so that there was talk of the couple cheating on their spouses in US Magazine , with doctored photos from the program, showing the pair arm in arm, caught while uttering the phrase "HOO MEE" at the same time. The picture looked as if the "couple" were puckering for a kiss, when in actuallity they were in the middle of the word "HOO". Such was the life of an international icon and food scion. Or, as Emeril wold have said," BAM"!

Finally, it was decided to make a true nationwide push to expand market share with a contest, to be followed and broadcast daily on the Regis and Kelly Show.  There was to be a foot race across country, with each contastant pulling a Chinese Rickshaw across various regional routes across the Unites States. The catch was that the rigs would be painted with HOO MEE colors and replica's of boxes of noodles on the sides, with each contestant having 5 cases of HOO MEE noodles to deliver to chinese restaurants around the US that did not yet order HOO MEE noodles! The winner's of each regional route would then travel to Las Vegas where the Regis and Kelly Show would broadcast , live, the final Rickshaw footrace down the legendary VEGAS STRIP, delivering the HOO MEE noodles to Chinese buffet's within the various high end hotels and properties in Vegas, all expenses paid for the contestants for the week, of course. The ultimate winner won a week in Hawaii and a week in HONG KONG,  again all expenses paid.

Everything was going as planned on the last leg of the race in Vegas when Regis and Kelly started to receive, live on the air, reports that the very first restaurants where the noodles had been delivered actually caused mass chokings of those partaking of the crunchy Fall River treat. Apparently, with no humidity and mid-summer temps hitting 125 degrees at noon-time, no one had thought of the impact of such heat on noodels carried on Rickshaws for several days. The noodles had the consistency of thick wood splinters when devoid of any moisture at all. Many customers had to undergo surgery to stop internal bleeding as hastily eaten noodles acted like swallowed, open safety pins and had punctured several individuals esophogi and upper intestines, causing life threatening injury, let alone deep psychological scarring in those people.

So, in true Fall River fashion,  infamy was delivered from the hands of bountiful success, and HOO MEE noodles remained just a regional treasure. In the end, isn't that way it's suppossed to be?

Good Luck to  co-owners Albert and Babara Wong!